As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They’re the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math.
ADAM CAROLLAJunior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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I’d never hurt another person.
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I have no connection with Hollywood. I’m not interested. I don’t care.
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It’s funny when you’re a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.
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I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.
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All TV is, is really: ‘Don’t you want to be this, aren’t you glad you’re not that.’ There’s nothing really in the middle.
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I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn’t very good at it.
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The believe-in-yourself adage is grossly overrated.
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Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.
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I don’t know anything about computers.
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You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.
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I’m a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.
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You shouldn’t be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.
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We’re always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it.
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I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money… and not do stuff that was dirty.
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You don’t cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.
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I used to be a Democrat, now I’m basically a Republican.
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[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.
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I like radio and live performing stuff. I don’t like the television stuff as much.
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If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they’d be off TV. They’re not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we’d know who she was?
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I like radio and live performing stuff. I don’t like the television stuff as much. Some people do. It takes a certain breed of cat. .
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When you’re picking a basketball team, you’ll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you’re playing the odds.
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I’m not sexist, I’m just a realist.
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No one is depressed when they’re being chased by a bear.
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Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food.
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If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.
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Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don’t vote that way.
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