“Every father expects his boy to do the things he wouldn’t do when he was young.”

No matter how much strong black coffee we drink, almost any after- dinner speech will counteract it.

As to those who hoard gold and silver and spend it not in God’s path, give them, then, the tidings of a painful agony.

Don’t a fellow feel good after he gets out of a store where he nearly bought something.

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

Look out for the people who allow you to do all the talking.

Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

The longer it takes you to select a cantaloupe, the worse it is!

There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?

Knowin’ all about baseball is just about as profitable as bein’ a good whittler.

It isn’t enough for you to love money – it’s also necessary that money should love you.

Honesty pays, but it doesn’t seem to pay enough to suit some people.

Never tell the box-office man that you can’t hear well or he will sell you a seat where you can’t see either.

There is no failure except in no longer trying.

Everything comes to him who waits, except a loaned book.

Very often the quiet fellow has said all he knows

Kindness goes a long ways lots of times when it ought to stay at home.

Calvin: Trick or treat! Adult: Where’s your costume? What are you supposed to be? Calvin: I’m yet another resource-consuming kid in an overpopulated planet.

My father was a very good Boy Scout. He was very skilled with knots, and he showed me how to tie a bow tie.

Animals are a huge part of my life, so yes, if you are going to be a part of my life, you would need to have the same love for animals.

But the frat boys were all frivolous and idiotic in our minds now, a bunch of conformist fools going through the motions of hip.

Now, for some of you it doesn’t matter. You were born rich and you’re going to stay rich. But here’s my advice to the rest of you.

What did moths bump into before the electric light bulb was invented? Boy, the lightbulb really screwed the moth up didn’t it? Are there moths on their way to the sun now going, It’s gonna be worth it!.

I wasn’t terribly aware of Catwoman. She was a DC comics character and as a kid, I wasn’t terribly fond of the DC comics characters. I was a Marvel boy.

As a boy I was obsessed with Egypt and Egyptology. I’m convinced it’s not that uncommon. A lot of 10 or 12 year old boys become obsessed with Egypt. It’s a bit like young girls and horses.