“The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.”

Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt.

When a woman says, ‘I don’t wish to mention any names’, it means it ain’t necessary to mention any names.

There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either of them.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, an’ it keeps on laughin’.

An optimist is a fellow who believes what’s going to be will be postponed

Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs.

Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he’s overcharging you.

Flattery won’t hurt you if you don’t swallow it.

One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before.

It’s going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth once they inherit it.

“Why doesn’t the fellow who says, “I’m no speechmaker,” let it go at that instead of giving a demonstration? “

A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.

The worst waste of breath, next to playing a saxophone, is advising a son

University: … a place where rich men send their sons who have no aptitude for business.

One of the commonest ailments of the present day is the premature formation of opinion.

I never saw an athletic girl that thought she was strong enough to do indoor work.

It’s an objective fact that I am a double amputee, but it’s very subjective opinion as to whether that makes me disabled.

Spaces within a line, double colons, slashes, are indications of pause, of breath, of urgency, they are not metrically exact as in a musical notation but they serve (I hope) to make the reader think about the sound of the poem.

You used to say. “Desire doubled is love and love doubled is madness.” Madness doubled is marriage I added when the caustic was cool, not intending to produce a golden rule.

Between the double and the single bell Of a ship’s hour, between a round of bells From the dark warship riding there below

If you suppress grief too much, it can well redouble.

Life doesn’t move in a linear fashion. Life makes lefts and rights, and it doubles back.

What makes friendship indissolute and what doubles its charms is a feeling we find lacking in love: I mean certitude.

Troubles forereckoned are doubly suffered.