“A fellow ought to save a few of the long evenings he spends with his girl till after they’re married.”

Beauty is . . . a valuable asset if you’re poor or haven’t any sense.

Fashion: a barricade behind which men hide their nothingness.

If there’s anything mean in a feller, a litter authority will bring it out.

A loafer always has the correct time.

If at first you do succeed don’t take any more chances.

There isn’t much to be seen in a little town, but what you hear makes up for it.

Only one fellow in ten thousand understands the currency question, and we meet him every day.

We’d all like to vote for the best man but he’s never a candidate.

Nobody kicks on being interrupted if it’s by applause.

A friend that ain’t in need is a friend indeed.

I’m sorry to inform you that your 50 year warranty has expired on your back, knees, and memory.

Lots of fellows think a home is only good to borrow money on.

Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.

Folks that blurt out just what they think wouldn’t be so bad if they thought.

No matter how much strong black coffee we drink, almost any after- dinner speech will counteract it.

As to those who hoard gold and silver and spend it not in God’s path, give them, then, the tidings of a painful agony.

I am not enough of a mathematician to be able to judge either the well-foundedness or the limits of relativity in physics.

I look for what needs to be done. After all, that’s how the universe designs itself.

What is a scientist after all? It is a curious man looking through a keyhole, the keyhole of nature, trying to know what’s going on.

I had a chance to win $2 million, a week after high school graduation, and if I turned pro, the sponsor was going to financially support me.

Writing is reporting what we saw after the vision has left us. It is catching the fish which the tide has left far up on our shores in the low and depressed places.

I left Mainz after 18 years and thought, ‘Next time, I will work with a little less of my heart.’ I said that because we all cried for a week.

Man has climbed up from some lower animal form, but he has, as it were, pulled the ladder up after him.

We are beginning to see that money, after all, is not the main thing. The real values cannot be bought and sold.