“Never tell the box-office man that you can’t hear well or he will sell you a seat where you can’t see either.”

Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt.

When a woman says, ‘I don’t wish to mention any names’, it means it ain’t necessary to mention any names.

There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either of them.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, an’ it keeps on laughin’.

An optimist is a fellow who believes what’s going to be will be postponed

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs.

Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he’s overcharging you.

Flattery won’t hurt you if you don’t swallow it.

One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before.

It’s going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth once they inherit it.

“Why doesn’t the fellow who says, “I’m no speechmaker,” let it go at that instead of giving a demonstration? “

A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.

The worst waste of breath, next to playing a saxophone, is advising a son

University: … a place where rich men send their sons who have no aptitude for business.

One of the commonest ailments of the present day is the premature formation of opinion.

I will never say ‘retired’ because that’s such a finality that I don’t want to be part of my life. I’ll work until they throw me in a box.

I had been playing for a while, and I asked Louisville Slugger to send me a dozen flame treated bats. But when I got it, I realized they had sent me a box of ashes.

Any effects created before 1975 were done with either tape or echo chambers or some kind of acoustic treatment. No magic black boxes!

Wealth is not a pizza, where if I have too many slices you have to eat the Domino’s box.

Boxing is limited fighting with a specific rule set. Fighting is true, where you can do anything.

Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing – but none of them serious.

It seems only reasonable that the people have a right to know virtually everything about the personality they are buying each time they put their money through the box office

We need, in effect, to make the phantom ‘lock-boxes’ around the trust fund real.