“There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either of them.”

Everything comes to him who waits, except a loaned book.

Very often the quiet fellow has said all he knows

Kindness goes a long ways lots of times when it ought to stay at home.

Many a family tree needs trimming

Intelligent people are always on the unpopular side of anything.

Nobuddy ever listened t’ reason on a empty stomach.

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.

In order to live off a garden, you practically have to live in it.

Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt.

When a woman says, ‘I don’t wish to mention any names’, it means it ain’t necessary to mention any names.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, an’ it keeps on laughin’.

An optimist is a fellow who believes what’s going to be will be postponed

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs.

Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he’s overcharging you.

Flattery won’t hurt you if you don’t swallow it.

And that can even be extremely lucrative, but I love it either way.

People are ready to do either, and the content has to work on both.

Our rule with cliches is to either gently acknowledge them and make fun of them, or do something else.

Many to whom the first victory over the opponent has been long denied either by unfortunate circumstances

It’s either my tenacity or my stupidity, I’m not sure which.

Whenever she uses the phrase ‘I was thinking…,’ that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

To a woman–I mean, a nice woman–there is no such thing as men. There is a man; and either she is so fond of him that she can talk of nothing else, however unfavourably, or so much in love with him that she never mentions his name.

People, y’know, they either love us or they hate us; there’s no middle ground.