“There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either of them.”

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.

Ther’s still a few honest folks left but they never seem t’ find anything you lose.

Some fellows get credit for being conservative when they are only stupid.

The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.

Luckily your lifetime warranty on your heart is still in effect. Of course, that becomes void and expires when you do.

Live so that you can at least get the benefit of the doubt.

There is plenty of peace in any home where the family doesn’t make the mistake of trying to get together.

Washing your car and polishing it all up is a never failing sign of rain.

Of all the unbearable nuisances, the ignoramus that has traveled is the worst.

Don’t knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation if it didn’t change once in a while.

It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

There’s another advantage to being poor – a doctor will cure you faster.

Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee much later than others.

A sadder but wiser man is a thousand times more agreeable to meet than the feller that never makes a mistake.

My idea of walking into the jaws of death is marrying some woman who has lost three husbands.

The hardest thing is writing a recommendation for someone we know.

And that can even be extremely lucrative, but I love it either way.

People are ready to do either, and the content has to work on both.

Our rule with cliches is to either gently acknowledge them and make fun of them, or do something else.

Many to whom the first victory over the opponent has been long denied either by unfortunate circumstances

It’s either my tenacity or my stupidity, I’m not sure which.

Whenever she uses the phrase ‘I was thinking…,’ that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

To a woman–I mean, a nice woman–there is no such thing as men. There is a man; and either she is so fond of him that she can talk of nothing else, however unfavourably, or so much in love with him that she never mentions his name.

People, y’know, they either love us or they hate us; there’s no middle ground.