“The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.”

Some folks pay a compliment like they went down in their pocket for it.

Every father expects his boy to do the things he wouldn’t do when he was young.

The election is not very far off when a candidate can recognize you across the street.

When you consider what a chance women have to poison their husbands, it’s a wonder there isn’t more of it done

Litigation: A form of hell whereby money is transferred from the pockets of the proletariat to that of lawyers.

No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

The hardest thing is to take less when you can get more.

Executive: a man who makes quick decisions and is sometimes right.

Bargain… anything a customer thinks a store is losing money on.

The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you.

On a day when these things shall be heated in hell-fire, and their foreheads, and their sides, and their backs shall be branded therewith.

One of the commonest mistakes is thinking your worries are over when your children get married.

Peace has its victories no less than war, but it doesn’t have as many monuments to unveil.

I don’t look for much to come out of government ownership as long as we have Democrats and Republicans.

The reason the way of the transgressor is hard is because it’s so crowded.

The world gets better every day – then worse again in the evening.

Rush Limbaugh is what I call a disinfotainer. He entertains by spreading disinformation.

I don’t believe in superheroes but I love Batman movies. There’s a part of every person that is entertained by the idealistic, the fantastic.

I have a burning desire to entertain and different mediums allow me to do this in different ways.

I find that more and more I’m trying to entertain myself when I’m working, because I know the work’s going to go to a horrible place.

As an actor, I just like to make people happy, make them laugh. That’s our job, to entertain, and if I’m entertaining you folks, then I’m happy.

Your misery is everyone else’s entertainment.

Books should, not Business, entertain the Light; And Sleep, as undisturb’d as Death, the Night.

I want people to remember me as a full on entertainer and a good person.