My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn’t let him cut my nails.
ALAN KINGOne morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
More Alan King Quotes
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Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn’t know fluffy. Everything sank.
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The ability to absorb a book and make someone else’s words and story your own was exactly was I was doing on stage.
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My father was a dreamer – my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady’s handbags.
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I’m only… I’m only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I’m a… I’m just screaming all over the place with joy.
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You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
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When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I’m going to have for dinner or I can’t get through the day.
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Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore’s program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.
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An old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: ‘Don’t end up like me.
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But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It’s much more fun.
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My father helped me leave. He said, ‘It’s all out there, it’s not here.’
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There’s a charm, there’s a rhythm, there’s a soul to Jewish humor.
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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?
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My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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My mother’s sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.
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We set no styles, no standards. We’re reflections. It’s a distorted mirror in the fun house.
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My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
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A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!
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I always plan dinner first thing in the morning.
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Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
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I made it, Ma – Carnegie Hall. And I didn’t have to practice.
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Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex.
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If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
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One thing I’ve never said in my whole life is, ‘Let’s have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.’
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I won’t eat in a place that has suits of armor.
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Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up ‘vaudeville’ in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says ‘Milton Berle’ – and he made it just a tremendous party.
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Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing.
ALAN KING