I was a high school throw-out.
ALAN KINGEd Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore’s program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.
More Alan King Quotes
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One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
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We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator…
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Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?
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My father helped me leave. He said, ‘It’s all out there, it’s not here.’
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It’s more fun with someone who really likes it. I can’t imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.
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Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex.
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If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
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Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
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You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
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There’s nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.
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One thing I’ve never said in my whole life is, ‘Let’s have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.’
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For me, that wasn’t such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time.
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A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!
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I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
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Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
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My son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.
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I always plan dinner first thing in the morning.
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If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
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Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore’s program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.
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When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn’t like it. I had to get even.
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I didn’t know we were poor until I started giving interviews.
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An old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: ‘Don’t end up like me.
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Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.
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I won’t eat in a place that has suits of armor.
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The other day my house caught fire.
ALAN KING