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Then, of course, you’re hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.

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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?
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As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs.
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Modesty is not one of my virtues.
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That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
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I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.
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Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
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The other day my house caught fire.
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We set no styles, no standards. We’re reflections. It’s a distorted mirror in the fun house.
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I made it, Ma – Carnegie Hall. And I didn’t have to practice.
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If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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There’s nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.
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Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
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Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex.
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The ability to absorb a book and make someone else’s words and story your own was exactly was I was doing on stage.
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