My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn’t let him cut my nails.
ALAN KINGSome would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
More Alan King Quotes
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Then, of course, you’re hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
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Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
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My father was a dreamer – my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady’s handbags.
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My mother’s sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.
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Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn’t know fluffy. Everything sank.
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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I had a sympathetic role in ‘thirtysomething,’ and in two weeks I’m going to do the role again.
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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?
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My mother kept the house clean and we ate good.
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When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’
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I made it, Ma – Carnegie Hall. And I didn’t have to practice.
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Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
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When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn’t like it. I had to get even.
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When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I’m going to have for dinner or I can’t get through the day.
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My father helped me leave. He said, ‘It’s all out there, it’s not here.’
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It’s not easy being a father, but I’ve been allowed a comeback.
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The other day my house caught fire.
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When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That’s what the trees are all about.
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A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!
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Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it’s hard to turn away.
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If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
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We set no styles, no standards. We’re reflections. It’s a distorted mirror in the fun house.
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I always plan dinner first thing in the morning.
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When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
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Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up ‘vaudeville’ in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says ‘Milton Berle’ – and he made it just a tremendous party.
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If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.
ALAN KING