The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
ALAN KINGComedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it’s hard to turn away.
More Alan King Quotes
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I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
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Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
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When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’
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I had a sympathetic role in ‘thirtysomething,’ and in two weeks I’m going to do the role again.
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An old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: ‘Don’t end up like me.
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There’s a charm, there’s a rhythm, there’s a soul to Jewish humor.
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Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
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That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
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Then, of course, you’re hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
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We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.
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When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I’m going to have for dinner or I can’t get through the day.
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There’s nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.
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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?
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My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn’t let him cut my nails.
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Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
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When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn’t like it. I had to get even.
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Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
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One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
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I didn’t know we were poor until I started giving interviews.
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You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
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But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It’s much more fun.
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As a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.
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My father was a dreamer – my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady’s handbags.
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If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
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I won’t eat in a place that has suits of armor.
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Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.
ALAN KING