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I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.

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My father helped me leave. He said, ‘It’s all out there, it’s not here.’
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I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
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A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!
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As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs.
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There’s a charm, there’s a rhythm, there’s a soul to Jewish humor.
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Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore’s program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.
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My father was a dreamer – my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady’s handbags.
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If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
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If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.
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It’s not easy being a father, but I’ve been allowed a comeback.
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We set no styles, no standards. We’re reflections. It’s a distorted mirror in the fun house.
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Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
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If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
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I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?
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When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That’s what the trees are all about.
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My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
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I always plan dinner first thing in the morning.
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Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
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When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
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Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
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I’m only… I’m only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I’m a… I’m just screaming all over the place with joy.
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An old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: ‘Don’t end up like me.
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I was a high school throw-out.
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Modesty is not one of my virtues.
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It’s more fun with someone who really likes it. I can’t imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.
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