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My father helped me leave. He said, ‘It’s all out there, it’s not here.’

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You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
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I won’t eat in a place that has suits of armor.
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I made it, Ma – Carnegie Hall. And I didn’t have to practice.
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My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
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When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I’m going to have for dinner or I can’t get through the day.
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My father was a dreamer – my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady’s handbags.
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Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it’s hard to turn away.
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If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.
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A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!
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As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs.
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We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.
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Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
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Then, of course, you’re hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
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I always plan dinner first thing in the morning.
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One thing I’ve never said in my whole life is, ‘Let’s have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.’
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My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn’t let him cut my nails.
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When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’
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Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
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