“One thing I’ve never said in my whole life is, ‘Let’s have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.’”

Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.

It’s not easy being a father, but I’ve been allowed a comeback.

But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It’s much more fun.

We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator…

My father helped me leave. He said, ‘It’s all out there, it’s not here.’

You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.

Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore’s program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.

A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!

Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.

My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”

Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

My mother kept the house clean and we ate good.

The ability to absorb a book and make someone else’s words and story your own was exactly was I was doing on stage.

You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.

Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up ‘vaudeville’ in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says ‘Milton Berle’ – and he made it just a tremendous party.

The other day my house caught fire.

I think God has blessed us. He has blessed the Republican Party with some very good candidates. The Democrats can’t even find one.

Tomorrow night is nothing but one long sleepless wrestle with yesterday’s omissions and regrets.

Some day soon, perhaps in forty years, there will be no one alive who has ever known me. That’s when I will be truly dead – when I exist in no one’s memory.

Everybody in the NBA is good. And then you have the really good ones and the great ones.

When I’m playing the 1-guard, teams do a great job of just loading up and preparing for my drives and preparing for my three-point shots.

When I’m playing the 1-guard, I’m kind of seeing everything that’s going on.

Coloring is very relaxing for one thing. And I think adults like to unplug from technology for awhile and do something tangible with their hands.

It is one of the major tragedies that nothing is more discomforting than the hearty affection of the Old Friends who never were friends.