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One thing I’ve never said in my whole life is, ‘Let’s have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.’

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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Bed Eat Favorite Out Saturday Spend Sport Television Watch Way
Modesty is not one of my virtues.
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Modesty One Virtue
Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
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Difficult Face Funny Go Let Offend Worry
I’m only… I’m only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I’m a… I’m just screaming all over the place with joy.
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Bad Good Joy Over Place Review Scream Unhappy
The ability to absorb a book and make someone else’s words and story your own was exactly was I was doing on stage.
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Ability Absorb Book Else Exactly Make Someone Stage Story Word
My mother’s sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.
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Accident Car Cousin Eighty Kill Male Mother One Raise Sister Six Trolley
Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
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Fight Keep Marriage Nature Stranger Way
If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
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Atom Think Expense Great Humor Someone Something
When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I’m going to have for dinner or I can’t get through the day.
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Day Decide Dinner Go Morning Through
As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs.
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Egg Except Food Life Only Pleasure Salami Second Sex
An old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: ‘Don’t end up like me.
ALAN KING

Always Big Consider End Failure Line Old Socialist Unionist
It’s not easy being a father, but I’ve been allowed a comeback.
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Allow Being Comeback Easy Father
I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
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Being Bird Come Early Gonna Mind Sixty-five Special Tell
I won’t eat in a place that has suits of armor.
ALAN KING

Armor Eat Place Suit
We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.
ALAN KING

Ability Behave Fun Make Society Watch
For me, that wasn’t such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time.
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Always Birthday Joke Me Such Time
As a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.
ALAN KING

Better Father Parent
Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex.
ALAN KING

Better Eat Much Other People Sex Some Special Talent Take Than Way
That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
ALAN KING

Great New Older Thing Year
Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
ALAN KING

Better Salami Sex Slice Thickly
Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn’t know fluffy. Everything sank.
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Ball Everything Matzoh Mother Sank
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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Bran Fifteen Last Live Longer Spend Toilet Year
Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing.
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Comedy Create Nothing Reflection
If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
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Book Love Marriage Read Separate Two Want
When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’
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Done First Jewish Act Person Saw Told
It’s more fun with someone who really likes it. I can’t imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.
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Anyone Food Friendship Imagine Interest Last Like More Someone
I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
ALAN KING

Go Kitchen Mother never Other Pot Room Saw

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