My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
ALAN KINGLarry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.
More Alan King Quotes
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As a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.
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I’m only… I’m only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I’m a… I’m just screaming all over the place with joy.
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I had a sympathetic role in ‘thirtysomething,’ and in two weeks I’m going to do the role again.
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There’s nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
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A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!
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One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
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There’s a charm, there’s a rhythm, there’s a soul to Jewish humor.
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Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing.
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Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
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I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
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I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
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The other day my house caught fire.
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An old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: ‘Don’t end up like me.
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When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That’s what the trees are all about.
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My mother kept the house clean and we ate good.
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I always plan dinner first thing in the morning.
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Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it’s hard to turn away.
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You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
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It’s not easy being a father, but I’ve been allowed a comeback.
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But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It’s much more fun.
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Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.
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Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn’t know fluffy. Everything sank.
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Then, of course, you’re hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
ALAN KING