When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn’t like it. I had to get even.
ALAN KINGI was a high school throw-out.
More Alan King Quotes
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My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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There’s nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.
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My father was a dreamer – my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady’s handbags.
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I made it, Ma – Carnegie Hall. And I didn’t have to practice.
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I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
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If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.
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I had a sympathetic role in ‘thirtysomething,’ and in two weeks I’m going to do the role again.
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You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
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As a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.
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Then, of course, you’re hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
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There’s a charm, there’s a rhythm, there’s a soul to Jewish humor.
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When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
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Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it’s hard to turn away.
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Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
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Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
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My mother’s sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.
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My son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.
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Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
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You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.
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When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I’m going to have for dinner or I can’t get through the day.
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Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
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But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It’s much more fun.
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One thing I’ve never said in my whole life is, ‘Let’s have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.’
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It’s not easy being a father, but I’ve been allowed a comeback.
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I always plan dinner first thing in the morning.
ALAN KING