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A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!

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Eat Every Holiday Jewish Kill Summer Try Won

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
ALAN KING

Difficult Face Funny Go Let Offend Worry
That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
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Great New Older Thing Year
When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That’s what the trees are all about.
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All Birthday Celebrate Everybody Father Kid Tell Tree Use
The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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Dictator Full Life Little Run Try World
My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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Bed Eat Favorite Out Saturday Spend Sport Television Watch Way
You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.
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Attack Fun Make Somebody
But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It’s much more fun.
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Fun heavy Love More Movie Much
I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
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Go Kitchen Mother never Other Pot Room Saw
There’s nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.
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Any Believe More Nobody Trust
As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs.
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Egg Except Food Life Only Pleasure Salami Second Sex
An old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: ‘Don’t end up like me.
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Always Big Consider End Failure Line Old Socialist Unionist
I was a high school throw-out.
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High Out School Throw
Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
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Fight Keep Marriage Nature Stranger Way
For me, that wasn’t such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time.
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Always Birthday Joke Me Such Time
My son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.
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Ability Audience Comedy Identity never Say Son Story Tell
Then, of course, you’re hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
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Business Course Have Hook Learn Survive
When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’
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Done First Jewish Act Person Saw Told
I won’t eat in a place that has suits of armor.
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Armor Eat Place Suit
My father helped me leave. He said, ‘It’s all out there, it’s not here.’
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Father Help Leave Not True
One thing I’ve never said in my whole life is, ‘Let’s have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.’
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Country Dinner Life One Restaurant Thing Whole
I had a sympathetic role in ‘thirtysomething,’ and in two weeks I’m going to do the role again.
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Again Go Role Something Sympathetic Thirty Two Week
Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn’t know fluffy. Everything sank.
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Ball Everything Matzoh Mother Sank
Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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Humor Jew Joke Objectivity Only Refer Speak Stage Unfunny
I always plan dinner first thing in the morning.
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Always Dinner First Morning Plan Thing
When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
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Bigotry Father First Oppression Read Talk Think Time
My father was a dreamer – my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady’s handbags.
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Country Cutter Dreamer Father Handbag Hero Smart Tough
Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex.
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Better Eat Much Other People Sex Some Special Talent Take Than Way

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