“My mother kept the house clean and we ate good.”

Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I’m going to have for dinner or I can’t get through the day.

As a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.

It’s more fun with someone who really likes it. I can’t imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.

I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.

I didn’t know we were poor until I started giving interviews.

Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.

I was a high school throw-out.

My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.

I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.

My son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.

My mother’s sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.

And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?

There’s nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.

If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.

I’m only… I’m only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I’m a… I’m just screaming all over the place with joy.

In my dreams I ate and I ate my dreams.

Fruit of all the kinds that the country produced were laid before him; he ate very little, but from time to time a liquor prepared from cocoa, and of an aphrodisiac nature.

I ate too many Frosted Flakes. I don’t remember what I said last night.

You guys make the rules up, so a foul is a foul. It doesn’t matter if a guy is bigger and stronger. It’s not my fault I ate my Frosted Flakes when I was little, and you ate Wheaties.

A panda walks into a tea room and ordered a salad and ate it. Then it pulled out a pistol, shot the man in the next table dead, and walked out.

Since Eve ate the apple, much depends on dinner.

I knew if I ate anything of hers again, it would lkely tell me the same message: help me,

But if there was a mini-comic here in my hand, I’d read it while I ate my lunch.