I always plan dinner first thing in the morning.
ALAN KINGWe set no styles, no standards. We’re reflections. It’s a distorted mirror in the fun house.
More Alan King Quotes
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My mother’s sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.
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For me, that wasn’t such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time.
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My son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.
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There’s a charm, there’s a rhythm, there’s a soul to Jewish humor.
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My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn’t let him cut my nails.
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I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
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A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!
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My father helped me leave. He said, ‘It’s all out there, it’s not here.’
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When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’
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An old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: ‘Don’t end up like me.
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As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs.
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Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
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That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
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Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing.
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Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up ‘vaudeville’ in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says ‘Milton Berle’ – and he made it just a tremendous party.
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Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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As a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.
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I made it, Ma – Carnegie Hall. And I didn’t have to practice.
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The other day my house caught fire.
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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?
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The ability to absorb a book and make someone else’s words and story your own was exactly was I was doing on stage.
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I’m only… I’m only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I’m a… I’m just screaming all over the place with joy.
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My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
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It’s not easy being a father, but I’ve been allowed a comeback.
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You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.
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But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It’s much more fun.
ALAN KING