I made it, Ma – Carnegie Hall. And I didn’t have to practice.
ALAN KINGEverything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn’t know fluffy. Everything sank.
More Alan King Quotes
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Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
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I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.
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We set no styles, no standards. We’re reflections. It’s a distorted mirror in the fun house.
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My father was a dreamer – my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady’s handbags.
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When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn’t like it. I had to get even.
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There’s a charm, there’s a rhythm, there’s a soul to Jewish humor.
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One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
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Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up ‘vaudeville’ in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says ‘Milton Berle’ – and he made it just a tremendous party.
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The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.
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When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That’s what the trees are all about.
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Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing.
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It’s not easy being a father, but I’ve been allowed a comeback.
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You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
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Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex.
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It’s more fun with someone who really likes it. I can’t imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.
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If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
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Modesty is not one of my virtues.
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Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.
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As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs.
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Then, of course, you’re hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
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I won’t eat in a place that has suits of armor.
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That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
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I didn’t know we were poor until I started giving interviews.
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I had a sympathetic role in ‘thirtysomething,’ and in two weeks I’m going to do the role again.
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When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
ALAN KING