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When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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Modesty is not one of my virtues.
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My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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Bed Eat Favorite Out Saturday Spend Sport Television Watch Way
Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up ‘vaudeville’ in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says ‘Milton Berle’ – and he made it just a tremendous party.
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As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs.
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An old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: ‘Don’t end up like me.
ALAN KING

Always Big Consider End Failure Line Old Socialist Unionist
When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
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Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.
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If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
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I always plan dinner first thing in the morning.
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Always Dinner First Morning Plan Thing
That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
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Great New Older Thing Year
For me, that wasn’t such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time.
ALAN KING

Always Birthday Joke Me Such Time
One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
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Then, of course, you’re hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
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I won’t eat in a place that has suits of armor.
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My son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.
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Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn’t know fluffy. Everything sank.
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Ball Everything Matzoh Mother Sank
When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I’m going to have for dinner or I can’t get through the day.
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Day Decide Dinner Go Morning Through
My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn’t let him cut my nails.
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When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That’s what the trees are all about.
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There’s a charm, there’s a rhythm, there’s a soul to Jewish humor.
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It’s more fun with someone who really likes it. I can’t imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.
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Anyone Food Friendship Imagine Interest Last Like More Someone
I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
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If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
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Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore’s program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.
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Confidence First Freedom Gave Lot People Program Sullivan Television
My mother kept the house clean and we ate good.
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Ate Clean Good House Kept Mother
Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
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Fight Keep Marriage Nature Stranger Way

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