When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn’t like it. I had to get even.
ALAN KINGWhen I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I’m going to have for dinner or I can’t get through the day.
More Alan King Quotes
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As a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.
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We set no styles, no standards. We’re reflections. It’s a distorted mirror in the fun house.
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My mother kept the house clean and we ate good.
ALAN KING -
My father helped me leave. He said, ‘It’s all out there, it’s not here.’
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Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore’s program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.
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The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’
ALAN KING -
My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
ALAN KING -
If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
ALAN KING -
Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up ‘vaudeville’ in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says ‘Milton Berle’ – and he made it just a tremendous party.
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It’s more fun with someone who really likes it. I can’t imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.
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I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.
ALAN KING -
A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!
ALAN KING -
And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?
ALAN KING -
Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing.
ALAN KING -
An old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: ‘Don’t end up like me.
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My mother’s sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.
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Then, of course, you’re hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
ALAN KING -
The other day my house caught fire.
ALAN KING -
Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
ALAN KING -
There’s a charm, there’s a rhythm, there’s a soul to Jewish humor.
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My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
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I always plan dinner first thing in the morning.
ALAN KING -
It’s not easy being a father, but I’ve been allowed a comeback.
ALAN KING