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For me, that wasn’t such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time.

Alan King

That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
ALAN KING

Great New Older Thing Year
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
ALAN KING

Bran Fifteen Last Live Longer Spend Toilet Year
I always plan dinner first thing in the morning.
ALAN KING

Always Dinner First Morning Plan Thing
Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
ALAN KING

Better Salami Sex Slice Thickly
My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
ALAN KING

Coverage Fire Frown Kind Lawyer Problem Theft
But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It’s much more fun.
ALAN KING

Fun heavy Love More Movie Much
And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?
ALAN KING

Always Art Even Humour Somebody Want Weapon
One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
ALAN KING

Again Apple Cloudy Drank Faint Juice Little Morning Nurse One Pour Run Specimen Tube
I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
ALAN KING

Go Kitchen Mother never Other Pot Room Saw
Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn’t know fluffy. Everything sank.
ALAN KING

Ball Everything Matzoh Mother Sank
Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
ALAN KING

Fight Keep Marriage Nature Stranger Way
It’s not easy being a father, but I’ve been allowed a comeback.
ALAN KING

Allow Being Comeback Easy Father
I’m only… I’m only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I’m a… I’m just screaming all over the place with joy.
ALAN KING

Bad Good Joy Over Place Review Scream Unhappy
If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
ALAN KING

Book Love Marriage Read Separate Two Want
Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
ALAN KING

Humor Jew Joke Objectivity Only Refer Speak Stage Unfunny
I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.
ALAN KING

Audience Big Comedy Identity Thing Think

For me, that wasn’t such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time.

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For me, that wasn’t such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time.

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