My father helped me leave. He said, ‘It’s all out there, it’s not here.’
ALAN KINGIf you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
More Alan King Quotes
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I had a sympathetic role in ‘thirtysomething,’ and in two weeks I’m going to do the role again.
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I won’t eat in a place that has suits of armor.
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You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
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When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn’t like it. I had to get even.
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
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It’s not easy being a father, but I’ve been allowed a comeback.
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As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs.
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Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
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One thing I’ve never said in my whole life is, ‘Let’s have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.’
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I was a high school throw-out.
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Modesty is not one of my virtues.
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I’m only… I’m only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I’m a… I’m just screaming all over the place with joy.
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For me, that wasn’t such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time.
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My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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I didn’t know we were poor until I started giving interviews.
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If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
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You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.
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We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator…
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The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’
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One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
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Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
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Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it’s hard to turn away.
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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?
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My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
ALAN KING