If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
ALAN KINGI made it, Ma – Carnegie Hall. And I didn’t have to practice.
More Alan King Quotes
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Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
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It’s more fun with someone who really likes it. I can’t imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.
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When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn’t like it. I had to get even.
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I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
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That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
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There’s nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.
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My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’
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My father was a dreamer – my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady’s handbags.
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My mother kept the house clean and we ate good.
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You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
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Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing.
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Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.
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Then, of course, you’re hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
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We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.
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As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs.
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I’m only… I’m only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I’m a… I’m just screaming all over the place with joy.
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Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up ‘vaudeville’ in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says ‘Milton Berle’ – and he made it just a tremendous party.
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Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it’s hard to turn away.
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Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn’t know fluffy. Everything sank.
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I was a high school throw-out.
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An old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: ‘Don’t end up like me.
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Modesty is not one of my virtues.
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Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
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Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
ALAN KING