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I made it, Ma – Carnegie Hall. And I didn’t have to practice.

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
ALAN KING

Atom Think Expense Great Humor Someone Something
Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
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Bank Banker Chain Come Down Friend Image New Pen
It’s more fun with someone who really likes it. I can’t imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.
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Anyone Food Friendship Imagine Interest Last Like More Someone
When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn’t like it. I had to get even.
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Apple Every Gave Hospital Juice Morning
I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
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Go Kitchen Mother never Other Pot Room Saw
That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
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Great New Older Thing Year
There’s nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.
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Any Believe More Nobody Trust
My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
ALAN KING

Bed Eat Favorite Out Saturday Spend Sport Television Watch Way
The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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Dictator Full Life Little Run Try World
When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’
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Done First Jewish Act Person Saw Told
My father was a dreamer – my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady’s handbags.
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Country Cutter Dreamer Father Handbag Hero Smart Tough
My mother kept the house clean and we ate good.
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Ate Clean Good House Kept Mother
You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
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Get Good Know Look Old People Tell
Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing.
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Comedy Create Nothing Reflection
Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.
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Funny Holocaust Joke Make Occur People Way
Then, of course, you’re hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
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Business Course Have Hook Learn Survive
We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.
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As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs.
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Egg Except Food Life Only Pleasure Salami Second Sex
I’m only… I’m only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I’m a… I’m just screaming all over the place with joy.
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Bad Good Joy Over Place Review Scream Unhappy
Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up ‘vaudeville’ in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says ‘Milton Berle’ – and he made it just a tremendous party.
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Alongside Dictionary Milton Party Took Tremendous Vaudeville
Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it’s hard to turn away.
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Amazing Away Call Comedy Get Hard Laugh Once Turn
Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn’t know fluffy. Everything sank.
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Ball Everything Matzoh Mother Sank
I was a high school throw-out.
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High Out School Throw
An old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: ‘Don’t end up like me.
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Always Big Consider End Failure Line Old Socialist Unionist
Modesty is not one of my virtues.
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Modesty One Virtue
Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
ALAN KING

Difficult Face Funny Go Let Offend Worry
Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
ALAN KING

Better Salami Sex Slice Thickly

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