“I’m only… I’m only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I’m a… I’m just screaming all over the place with joy.”

As a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.

It’s more fun with someone who really likes it. I can’t imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.

I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.

I didn’t know we were poor until I started giving interviews.

Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.

I was a high school throw-out.

My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.

I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.

My son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.

My mother’s sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.

And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?

There’s nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.

If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.

The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.

If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.

I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.

I started in business over 25 years ago and have found a way to build on what I’ve learned through every partnership and opportunity.

Now this is over thirty years later and the guy said he was that cab driver. He apologized and he was serious. I felt awful. He might have been spending his whole life thinking he had jinxed me, but I told him he hadn’t. My number was up.

If you cross the Atlantic with an American lady you invariably fall in love with her before the journey is over.

My yesterdays walk with me. They keep step, they are gray faces that peer over my shoulder.

I’m open to everything. When you start to criticize the times you live in, your time is over.

Blank cartridges should never be used against a mob, nor should a volley be fired over the heads of the mob even if there is little danger of hurting persons in the rear. Such things will be regarded as an admission of weakness, or an attempt to bluff, and may do more harm than good.

One is never over-dressed or underdressed with a Little Black Dress.

Alaska is so unblemished. It really gives you a good look back at what the earth looks like without a lot human beings crawling all over it.