“I’m only… I’m only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I’m a… I’m just screaming all over the place with joy.”

I won’t eat in a place that has suits of armor.

Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn’t know fluffy. Everything sank.

There’s a charm, there’s a rhythm, there’s a soul to Jewish humor.

We set no styles, no standards. We’re reflections. It’s a distorted mirror in the fun house.

That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.

Modesty is not one of my virtues.

My father was a dreamer – my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady’s handbags.

Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.

It’s not easy being a father, but I’ve been allowed a comeback.

But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It’s much more fun.

We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator…

My father helped me leave. He said, ‘It’s all out there, it’s not here.’

You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.

Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore’s program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.

A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!

Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.

I just like so many different kinds of music that I like experimenting. I don’t want to keep making the same record over and over and over.

Anyone who has ever walked upright has loved beer, celebrated over it, told talks over it, hatched plots over it, courted over it.

Cities all over the world are getting bigger as more and more people move from rural to urban sites, but that has created enormous problems with respect to environmental pollution and the general quality of life.

Actually I like working kind of fast, because if you got it, why bother doing it over and over?

I’ll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I’ll even ‘hari-kari’ if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!

I felt pride, wonderful pride, when I was captain. It was an honour to take over from Labby. Anybody who has ever captained a big club, which Everton are, will tell you it’s a great honour.

You’ll be a lot less likely to be caught up in bias or prejudice or be influenced by people who ask you to hand over your brains, your soul or your money because they have everything all figured out for you.

The only solution is to kill 600 people in one night. Let the UN and Bill Clinton and everyone else make a scene – and it is over for 20 years.