One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
ALAN KINGWe watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.
More Alan King Quotes
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
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One thing I’ve never said in my whole life is, ‘Let’s have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.’
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Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing.
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For me, that wasn’t such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time.
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Modesty is not one of my virtues.
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I was a high school throw-out.
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That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
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I didn’t know we were poor until I started giving interviews.
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If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
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We set no styles, no standards. We’re reflections. It’s a distorted mirror in the fun house.
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You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
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When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’
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I had a sympathetic role in ‘thirtysomething,’ and in two weeks I’m going to do the role again.
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But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It’s much more fun.
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When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn’t like it. I had to get even.
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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?
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Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
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My mother kept the house clean and we ate good.
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Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
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I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
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Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore’s program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.
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I made it, Ma – Carnegie Hall. And I didn’t have to practice.
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When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That’s what the trees are all about.
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Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up ‘vaudeville’ in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says ‘Milton Berle’ – and he made it just a tremendous party.
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There’s a charm, there’s a rhythm, there’s a soul to Jewish humor.
ALAN KING