“When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn’t like it. I had to get even.”

My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”

Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

My mother kept the house clean and we ate good.

The ability to absorb a book and make someone else’s words and story your own was exactly was I was doing on stage.

You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.

Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up ‘vaudeville’ in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says ‘Milton Berle’ – and he made it just a tremendous party.

The other day my house caught fire.

Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it’s hard to turn away.

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.

I had a sympathetic role in ‘thirtysomething,’ and in two weeks I’m going to do the role again.

One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.

When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.

I made it, Ma – Carnegie Hall. And I didn’t have to practice.

One thing I’ve never said in my whole life is, ‘Let’s have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.’

We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.

When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That’s what the trees are all about.

I think people always assume that every team has great intangibles, and that’s not necessarily right.

Every NASCAR driver watches Formula One in the morning; they are well informed.

We should preserve every scrap of biodiversity as priceless while we learn to use it and come to understand what it means to humanity.

Every fish fertilizes the water in a way that generates the plankton that ultimately leads back into the food chain, but also yields oxygen, grabs carbon – it’s a part of what makes the ocean function and what makes the planet function.

Every time I slip into the ocean, it’s like going home.

With every drop of water you drink, every breath you take, you’re connected to the sea.

Every human being has hundreds of separate people living under his skin.

Every coach has his own style of play, but when you spend your whole life as a Cowboy, you have to be influenced by what we did.