“There’s nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.”

There’s a charm, there’s a rhythm, there’s a soul to Jewish humor.

We set no styles, no standards. We’re reflections. It’s a distorted mirror in the fun house.

That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.

Modesty is not one of my virtues.

My father was a dreamer – my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady’s handbags.

Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.

It’s not easy being a father, but I’ve been allowed a comeback.

But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It’s much more fun.

We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator…

My father helped me leave. He said, ‘It’s all out there, it’s not here.’

You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.

Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore’s program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.

A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!

Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.

My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”

Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

I am not in any hurry to grow up.

We create a standard for how we want to do things, and everybody’s got to buy into that standard or you really can’t have any team chemistry.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

I don’t think there are any rules in real face-to-face relationships or interactions.

On this foundation it is possible to accomplish any task whatsoever.

More than any other poet, Whitman is what we make him; more than any other poet, his greatest value is in what he suggests and implies rather than in what he portrays, and more than any other poet must he wait to be understood by the growth of the taste of himself.

You’ll never have any trouble with Mr. T, I’m just a big, calm teddy bear kind of guy. Mr. T ain’t ashamed to cry.

We’re not thinking about any kind of power. We’re not thinking about any kind of struggles. We’re not thinking about revolution or war or any of that. That’s not what we want.