“My mother’s sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.”

I won’t eat in a place that has suits of armor.

Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn’t know fluffy. Everything sank.

There’s a charm, there’s a rhythm, there’s a soul to Jewish humor.

We set no styles, no standards. We’re reflections. It’s a distorted mirror in the fun house.

That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.

Modesty is not one of my virtues.

My father was a dreamer – my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady’s handbags.

Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.

It’s not easy being a father, but I’ve been allowed a comeback.

But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It’s much more fun.

We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator…

My father helped me leave. He said, ‘It’s all out there, it’s not here.’

You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.

Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore’s program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.

A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!

Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.

Never we sleep, a thug doesn’t rest, Cause a wise man said: it was a cousin of death.

I have lovely memories of Los Angeles in the 1930s. I came down to live with my mother’s cousin and they invited me to come and go to junior college for a year.

My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet.

50 Cent is a hero to me because he’s overcome so many things. He’s been shot nine times and lived. I had a cousin got shot once in the ankle. Dead.

So many times through the course of a season you are defined by your backups. They have three players in [Kirk] Cousins, Niles [Paul] and [Bashaud] Breeland who may be better than the players that they’re replacing.

Kirk Cousins is the future of the Washington Redskins.

My grandfather was a lawyer, my dad was a lawyer, my mum was a lawyer, I got an uncle who’s a lawyer, I got cousins that are lawyers.

Elizabeth studied the blurry tabloid photo, which showed her cousin Mary Stuart leaving a Paris disco at dawn, drunkenly clinging to the arm of a French tennis pro. The message was very clear. Put passion first and you end up neither loved nor respected.