“The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.”

The man who never makes a mistake must get tired of doing nothing.

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

There is nothing so stupid as the educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated in.

You know horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people.

You’ve got to go out on a limb sometimes because that’s where the fruit is.

If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn’t have to advertise them.

Buy land. They ain’t making any more of the stuff.

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need.

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression.

When you’re old enough to write a book for children, by then you’ll have become a grown up and have lost all your jokeyness. Unless you’re an undeveloped adult and still have an enormous amount of childishness in you.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb – and I’m not blonde either.

The happiness and the joy that I see in the eyes of the children. They saved my life so I want to, give it back. I’m not joking.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big one on me.

When in doubt, go for the dick joke.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.

Math jokes have a small audience.