“Most unhappiness is caused because people listen to themselves… instead of talking to themselves.”

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn’t hear them.

I tell jokes to pay my green fees.

I love flying. I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage.

There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip.

We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.

You know you’ve reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.

I was lucky, you know, I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing over for, oh, perhaps half.

When I miss a shot I just think what a beautiful day it is. And what pure fresh air I’m breathing. Then I take a deep breath. I have to do that. That’s what gives me the strength to break the club.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe, the national French pastime is picnicking.

You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor’s age by the rings on her fingers.

It was a typically British birth… I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward… I came out in sympathy.

We’re on our way to the Persian Gulf. Wait! It’s a mistake! I thought they said Persian Golf.

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.

If you think golf is relaxing, you’re not playing it right.

To do my job well, I have to be a good listener. The listening is so much more important than the talking.

MTV and the culture industry never are talking about community relevance, hood organization, they aren’t talking about ethical codes, they aren’t talking about forms of political organization, they don’t speak about codes inside the jails. What they talk about are superficial things.

What passes for real debate in Washington often seems more like an echo chamber, with politicians talking at politicians.

Stop talking about tomorrow. You owe it to yourself to do whatever you can to live you can to live a better life today.

When we listen to improvisational jazz, or solo classical violinists, the way they phrase and inflect melodies feels vocal, like they’re talking to us.

The President, in talking about freedom and democracy, is sparking a wave of very positive democratic sentiment that might help us override both Islamic fundamentalism that has formed in that region, and also some of the hatred for our policies of invading Iraq.

Whether taking a shorter seven-day jaunt or combining several unique cruises to create the ultimate European exploration, luxury travelers will enjoy the grandeur of Europe and the warmth and luxury of the Crystal experience.

I love talking about Kennedy assassination…a great archetypal example of how totalitarian government…sorry, wrong meeting.