“Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe, the national French pastime is picnicking.”

If I had that kind of money, I wouldn’t come to Vietnam, I’d send for it.

At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents.

Studies have shown that inmate participation in education, vocational and job training, prison work skills development, drug abuse, mental health and other treatment programs, all reduce recidivism, significantly.

Dying is to be avoided because it can ruin your whole career.

Laughter is therapy-an instant vacation.

There’s a very apt saying in show business: “If you don’t go over budget in Paris, you’re either very rich or very sick. “

I don’t bother to look for parking space anymore. As soon as I get near Hollywood Boulevard … I sell.

Do not ask directions from the people around you. Ask directions from the person who called you.

Most unhappiness is caused because people listen to themselves… instead of talking to themselves.

Chiropractic is a wonderful means of natural healing!

Once in a while, people enter our lives and lessen the loneliness of being away from Home.

I can’t give up Golf, I’ve got too many sweaters.

I love the feeling of being anonymous in a city I’ve never been before.

Leaders are made through discipline, training, experience, failure, and the desire to continually improve.

Through the Rosary the faithful receive abundant grace, as though from the very hands of the Mother of the Redeemer.

We’re born alone. We do need each other. It’s lonely to really effectively live your life, and anyone you can get help from or give help to; that’s part of your obligation.

Ever since I was a kid, I just loved those comedians on TV who would just have fun with the language.

All of my comedian friends are some of the best joke writers in the world.

I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that’s all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.

I begged the universe to make me a famous comedian, and it did. So I tend not to ask for any more.

My biggest pet peeve, I guess, is other comedians criticizing Larry the Cable Guy.

I really understood a lot more about comedy after listening to Bill Hicks, who died at 32 years old. He’s probably the best comedian who ever lived. Although you can’t say that because of Carlin, Cosby and Pryor.

I always wanted to be a popular comedian.

My goal is just to become a better comedian.