black
grey
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We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.

Bob Hope

The old water heater in my dressing room was working, but it was kind of tired. It gave off about as much warmth as an agent’s handshake.
BOB HOPE

Funny Handshake Tired Water
The workers love Khrushchev very much. He hasn’t got an enemy in the entire country. Quite a few under it.
BOB HOPE

Country Funny Humorous
Baseball is a soap opera that plays out day after day, one that a lot of elderly women watch until the characters and the plot becomes a part of their life.
BOB HOPE

Baseball Character Kids Personal Plot Side
On one hole, I hit an alligator so hard, he’s now my golf bag.
BOB HOPE

Alligators Bags Golf
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.
BOB HOPE

Comedy Direction Helping Life Wondering
I’ve got to watch myself these days. It’s too exciting watching anyone else.
BOB HOPE

Days Line One These Watches
You know what a fan letter is – it’s just an inky raspberry.
BOB HOPE

Fans Letters Raspberries
When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things – not the great occasions – that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.
BOB HOPE

Happiness Inspirational Laughter
Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe, the national French pastime is picnicking.
BOB HOPE

Belief Comedian Funny Humorous
Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.
BOB HOPE

Comedy Funny Marriage Two
Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn’t know how to lie, cheat, and steal. He’s always had an agent for that.
BOB HOPE

Agents Lying Typical
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
BOB HOPE

Country Kissing Lazy Love People
That’s life. The older you get, the tougher it is to score.
BOB HOPE

Dieting Golf Loss Weight
I saw more courage, more good humor in the face of discomfort, more love in an era of hate and more devotion to duty than could exist under tyranny.
BOB HOPE

Country Courage Devotion Discomfort Face Good Hate Humor More
I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.
BOB HOPE

Age Golf Play Tried Weight
I tell jokes to pay my green fees.
BOB HOPE

Golf Green Pay
Kissing is like drinking tea with a tea strainer, you can never get enough.
BOB HOPE

Drinking Kissing Tea
I get upset over a bad shot just like anyone else. But it’s silly to let the game get to you.
BOB HOPE

Anyone Bad Beautiful Golf Shot Silly
I’ve always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It’s an island and the audience can’t run very far.
BOB HOPE

Funny Humorous Running
Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.
BOB HOPE

Comedy Kids Wonderful
I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40 pounds overweight – and that was just their hair.
BOB HOPE

England Hair Line One
America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan – Go for the Gold.
BOB HOPE

Country Funny Humorous
If you think golf is relaxing, you’re not playing it right.
BOB HOPE

Golf Relax Right Thinking
Chiropractic is a wonderful means of natural healing!
BOB HOPE

Healing Mean Wonderful
Dying is to be avoided because it can ruin your whole career.
BOB HOPE

Careers Dying Line One
And on nearby islands, the Japanese army was eating raw fish. We felt sorry for them.
BOB HOPE

Country Funny People Sorry War
The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I’ve been doing that all my life.
BOB HOPE

Bombers Bombs Hell

We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.

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We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

More Bob Hope Quotes