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As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window.

Bob Hope

Jimmy Stewart could have been a good golfer, but he speaks so slowly that by the time he yells ‘Fore!’ the guy he’s hit is already in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.
BOB HOPE

Ambulance Golf Golfer Guy Slowly Speaks Time Way
I don’t do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.
BOB HOPE

Country People Political Jokes
And on nearby islands, the Japanese army was eating raw fish. We felt sorry for them.
BOB HOPE

Country Funny People Sorry War
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
BOB HOPE

Country Kissing Lazy Love People
I was called Rembrandt Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.
BOB HOPE

Boxing Canvas Funny Sports
There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip.
BOB HOPE

Funny Humorous Pointed Rip
Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees.
BOB HOPE

Business Golf Green Pay
The home videos aren’t as good, but they are seeming to get better.
BOB HOPE

Better Get Home Video
The service at the Imperial (Tokyo) is the finest I’ve encountered anywhere. There was a button next to my bed marked ROOM SERVICE – and a maid to press it for me.
BOB HOPE

Button Country Funny Hotel Humorous Maid Press Room Service
It’s so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.
BOB HOPE

Cold Hands Pockets Politician
The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don’t know which end to talk to.
BOB HOPE

Country Funny Humorous People
It’s a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he’s dead.
BOB HOPE

Average Funny Humorous
Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands
BOB HOPE

Culture Hands Moving
I have too much money invested in sweaters.
BOB HOPE

Invested Sweater
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
BOB HOPE

Music Names Personality Play
One of the greatest gifts to mankind is laughter, and one of the greatest gifts to laughter is Lucille Ball. God has her now but thanks to television, we’ll have her forever.
BOB HOPE

Balls Forever Gifts Good Greatest Laughter Thank
Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend’s house during a power failure.
BOB HOPE

Failure Girlfriend House Sex
Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn’t hear them.
BOB HOPE

Funny Item People Telling Years
Timing is the essence of life, and definitely of comedy.
BOB HOPE

Comedy Definitely Essence Life
YOU CAN ONLY DO ONE THING AT A TIME SO CONCENTRATE ON IT.
BOB HOPE

Concentrate Grandchildren One Thing Tim
Chiropractic is a wonderful means of natural healing!
BOB HOPE

Healing Mean Wonderful
The workers love Khrushchev very much. He hasn’t got an enemy in the entire country. Quite a few under it.
BOB HOPE

Country Funny Humorous
Milton Hope led the singing of Happy Birthday … He would say, ‘Keep it sweet and short and don’t try to be funny.’
BOB HOPE

Singing Sweet Trying
When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things – not the great occasions – that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.
BOB HOPE

Happiness Inspirational Laughter
For the first time, you can actually see the losers turn green
BOB HOPE

Firsts Green Oscars
He was bare chested and in good trim. I said that just looking at him I knew there would always be an England
BOB HOPE

Country Good Line Look One
You know what a fan letter is – it’s just an inky raspberry.
BOB HOPE

Fans Letters Raspberries

As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window.

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As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window.

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Popular Authors

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