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The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he’s really pissed off.

Bob Hope

I never kick my ball in the rough or improve my lie in a sand trap. For that I have a caddie.
BOB HOPE

Caddies Golf Lying
One of our stock lines used to be “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for Bing, and there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for me.” And that’s the way we go through life – doing nothing for each other!
BOB HOPE

Each Lines Nothing Other Stock Way
You could buy my book in a paperback edition for a dollar, and in hard covers for $3.50. And for fifty cents extra.
BOB HOPE

Book Funny Reading
My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They’re still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.
BOB HOPE

Doors Even Garage Love Makin Next
The service at the Imperial (Tokyo) is the finest I’ve encountered anywhere. There was a button next to my bed marked ROOM SERVICE – and a maid to press it for me.
BOB HOPE

Button Country Funny Hotel Humorous Maid Press Room Service
Perfume acts as an anesthetic. By the time she floats a little your way, you’ll promise her anything.
BOB HOPE

Country Littles People Promise Way
Please don’t stand up on my account.
BOB HOPE

Account Line One Please Stand
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he’s really pissed off.
BOB HOPE

Jesus News Pissed
Bing Crosby and I play a lot of golf together and I have a small course at my place where we often play for side stakes.
BOB HOPE

Course Golf Play Small Winning
The old water heater in my dressing room was working, but it was kind of tired. It gave off about as much warmth as an agent’s handshake.
BOB HOPE

Funny Handshake Tired Water
Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.
BOB HOPE

Comedy Kids Wonderful
The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I’ve been doing that all my life.
BOB HOPE

Bombers Bombs Hell
When I miss a shot I just think what a beautiful day it is. And what pure fresh air I’m breathing. Then I take a deep breath. I have to do that. That’s what gives me the strength to break the club.
BOB HOPE

Beautiful Break Breathing Miss Strength
If I had that kind of money, I wouldn’t come to Vietnam, I’d send for it.
BOB HOPE

Country Kind Line Money One People
I like to play in the low 70’s. If it gets any hotter than that I’ll stay in the bar!
BOB HOPE

Bars Golf Hotter Play
Don’t tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation.
BOB HOPE

Anything Resist Temptation
A few years ago he had a big heart transplant in Chicago, a five-hour operation. It took the doctors four hours to get him on the operating table.
BOB HOPE

Doctors Funny Heart Operating Table
President Eisenhower has given up golf for painting. It takes fewer strokes.
BOB HOPE

Golf Painting President
I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.
BOB HOPE

Hands Men Ruined Stepping
There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip.
BOB HOPE

Funny Humorous Pointed Rip
We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back.
BOB HOPE

Funny Humorous Successful
Timing is the essence of life, and definitely of comedy.
BOB HOPE

Comedy Definitely Essence Life
It was a great honour to be inducted into the Hall of Fame. I didn’t know they had a caddie division.
BOB HOPE

Caddies Division Fame Golf
You know what a fan letter is – it’s just an inky raspberry.
BOB HOPE

Fans Letters Raspberries
Be happy you guys. Be proud! You know what you are: you’re God’s frozen people.
BOB HOPE

Frozen Guy People
That’s life. The older you get, the tougher it is to score.
BOB HOPE

Dieting Golf Loss Weight
Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn’t get elected, he’d go back to acting.
BOB HOPE

Acting Funny President

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he’s really pissed off.

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The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he’s really pissed off.

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Popular Authors

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