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My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They’re still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.

Bob Hope

Laughter is therapy-an instant vacation.
BOB HOPE

Instant Laughter Vacation
I’d give up golf if I didn’t have so many sweaters.
BOB HOPE

Giving Golf Sweaters Up
I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.
BOB HOPE

Hands Men Ruined Stepping
Out here in the Pacific, they have typhoons and hurricanes that blow over 200 miles an hour. We have tornadoes and hurricanes back home, but I don’t worry about them. The mortgage on my house is so heavy that nothing could budge it.
BOB HOPE

Blow Home Hurricane Tornadoes Typhoon Worry
I like to come to Washington, D.C., at least once a year. Why should my tax money travel more than I do?
BOB HOPE

One Should Taxes Travel Years
My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?
BOB HOPE

Christmas Holiday Old Fashioned Xmas
Failure is the only thing I’ve ever been a success at.
BOB HOPE

Decent Garden State
Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands
BOB HOPE

Culture Hands Moving
England occupies a warm spot in my affections. It was the scene of my greatest performance. I was born there.
BOB HOPE

England Funny Humorous Performance
We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.
BOB HOPE

Ashes Country Funny Humorous People
US President Gerald Ford’s golf was so bad we thought he was a ‘Hitman for the PGA!
BOB HOPE

Ford Gerald Golf President
It’s a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he’s dead.
BOB HOPE

Average Funny Humorous
Cypress Point is such a beautiful place, but it’s also very exclusive. They had a very successful membership drive last month. They drove out forty members.
BOB HOPE

Beautiful Golf Member Successful
I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money.
BOB HOPE

Country Funny Love People Witty
Having so many gold courses so close together was ideal for me. With my slice I could enjoy three or four golf courses at the same time.
BOB HOPE

Funny Golf Same Time Together
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
BOB HOPE

Dieting Friend Good Loss Weight

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They’re still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.

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My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They’re still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.

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Popular Authors

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