“Cypress Point is such a beautiful place, but it’s also very exclusive. They had a very successful membership drive last month. They drove out forty members.”

My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.

I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.

I once showed Pat Bradley my swing and said, ‘What do I do next?’ Pat replied, ‘Wait till the pain dies down.’

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

For the first time, you can actually see the losers turn green

Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn’t get elected, he’d go back to acting.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn’t hear them.

I tell jokes to pay my green fees.

I love flying. I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage.

There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip.

We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.

You know you’ve reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.

I was lucky, you know, I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing over for, oh, perhaps half.

When I miss a shot I just think what a beautiful day it is. And what pure fresh air I’m breathing. Then I take a deep breath. I have to do that. That’s what gives me the strength to break the club.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course… the space between your ears.

I tell jokes to pay my green fees.

You win all the Tucsons, all the Kemps, all the Iron City Opens you can, nobody remembers. You win a Masters, nobody ever forgets

Too much ambition is a bad thing to have in a bunker.

Addressing a golf ball would seem to be a simple matter; that is, to the uninitiated who cannot appreciate that a golf ball can hold more terrors than a spacious auditorium packed with people.

We’re on our way to the Persian Gulf. Wait! It’s a mistake! I thought they said Persian Golf.

If you think golf is relaxing, you’re not playing it right.

It is nevertheless a game of considerable passion, either of the explosive type, or that which burns inwardly and sears the soul.