“I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.”

I don’t do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They’re still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.

I do benefits for all religions – I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he’s really pissed off.

Bing Crosby and I weren’t the types to go around kissing each other. We always had a light jab for each other.

Pebble Beach is Alcatraz with grass.

I’ve been playing the game so long that my handicap is in Roman numerals.

Whenever I play with him , I usually try to make it a foursome – the President, myself, a paramedic and a faith healer.

I asked the colonel what type of aircraft it was, and he said, “Don’t worry about it, Bob. . . if you can see it, it’s obsolete.”

I don’t know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.

I get upset over a bad shot just like anyone else. But it’s silly to let the game get to you.

You know what a fan letter is – it’s just an inky raspberry.

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

Most of the people who came for dancing lessons had Rumba ambitions and minuet bodies

Bing Crosby and I play a lot of golf together and I have a small course at my place where we often play for side stakes.

The reason the Road Hole at St. Andrews is the most difficult par 4 in the world is that it was designed as a par 6.

Hit the ball up to the hole… You meet a better class of people up there.

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.

I don’t like the glamour. I just like the game.

If the Masters offered no money at all, I would be here trying just as hard.

You hear stories about me beating my brains out practising, but the truth is, I was enjoying myself. I couldn’t wait to get up in the morning, so I could hit balls. When I’m hitting the ball where I want, hard and crisply, it’s a joy that very few people experience.

I have found the game to be, in all factualness, a universal language wherever I traveled at home or abroad.

Certainly, if you can’t manage your game, you can’t play tournament golf.