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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.

W. C. Fields

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Breathe
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. FIELDS

Expectation Herself Life Man Woman Yourself
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W. C. FIELDS

Friendship Life Marriage Necessary Old Relationship
Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
W. C. FIELDS

Destroy Evidence Success Yourself
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS

Better Sex Worst
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
W. C. FIELDS

Beautiful Herself Love Myself
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny Man Myself
It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
W. C. FIELDS

Attitude Deep Yourself
Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Believe
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
W. C. FIELDS

Trust Yourself
Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
W. C. FIELDS

Gift Ignorance Peace Prayer Wisdom
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Myself Wine
You can’t cheat an honest man.
W. C. FIELDS

Honesty Man Yourself
Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Bad Children Hate
I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
W. C. FIELDS

Destroy Myself See
I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
W. C. FIELDS

Argument Attitude Myself
I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
W. C. FIELDS

Improvement Myself
I never eat before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Eat Myself One Liner
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Control Food Myself Strong
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Pain Woman
It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS

Alive Funny Old World
I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. FIELDS

Equality Freedom Hate Myself
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Myself Young
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religion Time
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
W. C. FIELDS

Business Laugh Oneself People Purpose Serious
I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Myself Time
I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
W. C. FIELDS

Age Food Myself Need

Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.

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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.

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