“I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.”

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.

I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.

Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

You load your words as I bare my chest, and this will be the most beautiful death.

Jokes of the proper kind, properly told, can do more to enlighten questions of politics, philosophy, and literature than any number of dull arguments.

To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead.

To argue with a man who has renounced the use and authority of reason, and whose philosophy consists in holding humanity in contempt, is like administering medicine to the dead, or endeavoring to convert an atheist by scripture.

A man lives by believing something: not by debating and arguing about many things.

It’s unarguable that the right shoes can really add elegance to an outfit and to the person who’s wearing them. Take a pair of high heels, for instance. Suddenly, you’re looking taller, shoulders back, body curved.

When heart speaks and heart listens, harmony is produced. When head talks and head listens, argument is produced.

If you want to stop an argument, close your mouth.