“I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.”

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.

I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.

I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

What is prejudice? An opinion, which is not based upon reason; a judgment, without having heard the argument; a feeling, without being able to trace from whence it came.

No honest man will argue on every side.

The truth is always the strongest argument.

Sugar is responsible for a lot of deaths. Arguably more than crack cocaine.

The people of Nebraska are for free silver and I am for free silver. I will look up the arguments later.

I have just as many liberal ideas as I have conservative ideas that I argue with myself sometimes.

An argument fatal to the communist theory, is suggested by the fact, that a desire for property is one of the elements of our nature.

Whenever one refuses to admit such a self-evident truth, for instance, as that it is wrong to steal, don’t argue with him-search him; the reason may be found in his pocket.