Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. FIELDSI don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
W. C. FIELDS -
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
W. C. FIELDS -
Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
W. C. FIELDS -
Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
W. C. FIELDS -
My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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I never eat before breakfast.
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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
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I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
W. C. FIELDS