Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
W. C. FIELDSI spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
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I drink therefore I am.
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It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
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Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
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If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
W. C. FIELDS