The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDSSome people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
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I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
W. C. FIELDS