“During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.”

My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.

I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.

Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.

I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

I don’t feel comfortable without certain things. I always want some money in my pocket to do whatever I want. Even if it’s something like I want to eat food that costs more than what I got.

Repeat mantra: Donuts are not vitamins, donuts are not.

I love being in bed almost as much as I love food.

I like to eat in proportion, eat healthy, home-cooked food with lots of salad.

I have an obsession with hot sauce. I love Cholula. I put Cholula on everything.

I like anything that’s edible.

How can anyone govern a nation that has two hundred and forty-six different kinds of cheese?

I eat the same foods almost every day. I have my favorites like Filipino beef broth, chicken soup with lots and lots of rice.