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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

W. C. Fields

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Togetherness
You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. FIELDS

Belief Trust Yourself
You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
W. C. FIELDS

Enough Fools Live People Time Yourself
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Pain Woman
Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
W. C. FIELDS

Break Himself Honesty Man Myself Smart Yourself
Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
W. C. FIELDS

Easy Time Yourself
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
W. C. FIELDS

Appearance Help People Sex Ugly
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Myself Wine
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS

Morning Smile Start
Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
W. C. FIELDS

Death Necessary Sex Yourself
When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS

Morning Smile Wake Up Yourself
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W. C. FIELDS

Father Myself Prison
Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Bad Children Hate
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Control Food Myself Strong
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny Man Myself
Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W. C. FIELDS

Heart Live Worry Yourself
It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS

Alive Funny Old World
Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
W. C. FIELDS

Night Time Wonderful
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Breathe
Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
W. C. FIELDS

Goodness Lost Myself Night Thankful
Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Hate See
I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
W. C. FIELDS

Argument Attitude Myself
If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Live Myself
I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
I drink therefore I am.
W. C. FIELDS

Instagram Captions Myself One Liner
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Illusion Reality

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

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