“You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.”

There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.

I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

I never met a kid I liked.

Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. The principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool.

Sometimes you have to listen to fools, they may have a point.

I don’t know whether you are a saint or a fool said my lawyer. I replied Is there a difference?

We must not say every mistake is a foolish one.

It is foolish to tear one’s hair in grief, as though sorrow would be made less by baldness.

The cleverest of all, in my opinion, is the man who calls himself a fool at least once a month.

It is better to be unhappy and know the worst, than to be happy in a fool’s paradise.

Mental health or existential wealth? Is the sacrifice worth the reward? Don’t sell your soul for fools gold, The real riches you must move toward.