Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
W. C. FIELDSI only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
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I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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I drink therefore I am.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
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I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
W. C. FIELDS