“If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.”

Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.

Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.

When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.

Youth doesn’t need friends — it only needs crowds.

To the wrongs that need resistance, To the right that needs assistance, To the future in the distance, Give yourselves.

There’s the acting side of it so you work with a coach. Dissect a script. If it’s a character, then obviously a character study. Just depends on if there is training needed.

When it comes to educating all of us about the most basic things in life, it seems to me we need more kindergartens and fewer graduate schools.

What I think we need to do is infuse everyday and every action with the kind of values we hope will be in the future, with kindness, with nurturing, with dreams, ambition, using your talents, not resorting to violence, other forms of conflict resolution, with humor, with poetry, with music.

We need to see men and women as equal partners, but its hard to think of movies that do that. When I talk to people, they think of movies of forty-five years ago! Hepburn and Tracy!

A complete need should not exist love, life in common with loved ones?

A wise doctor does not mutter incantations over a sore that needs the knife.