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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.

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Excellence Friendship Future Present Reason Remember

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religious
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS

Morning Smile Start
Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
W. C. FIELDS

Togetherness Travel
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. FIELDS

Marriage Night Survive Woman
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Pain Woman
I never met a kid I liked.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself One Liner
I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
W. C. FIELDS

Improvement Myself
You can’t cheat an honest man.
W. C. FIELDS

Honesty Man Yourself
Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
W. C. FIELDS

Destroy Evidence Success Yourself
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
W. C. FIELDS

Happiness Instagram Captions Money Place
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDS

Worth Wrong
Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
W. C. FIELDS

Born Lose People
The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
W. C. FIELDS

Herself Judgement Life Nation Need Wife
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Hands Myself See
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
W. C. FIELDS

Beautiful Herself Love Myself
I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
W. C. FIELDS

Believe Empty Food Myself Weird
I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. FIELDS

Expectation Herself Life Man Woman Yourself
It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
W. C. FIELDS

Attitude Deep Yourself
When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
W. C. FIELDS

Hands Life Yourself
I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Vote
I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Food Myself
It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS

Alive Funny Old World
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Myself Young
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Illusion Reality
I drink therefore I am.
W. C. FIELDS

Instagram Captions Myself One Liner
Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Bad Children Hate

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