“I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.”

Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.

I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

The worst disease which can afflict executives in their work is not, as popularly supposed, alcoholism; it’s egotism.

Sit, be still, and listen, because you’re drunk and we’re at the edge of the roof.

It’s true drinkin will kill ya, but if you’re drunk you don’t care.

Actually, depravity can be terribly boring if you don’t smoke or drink.

As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them.

My books are water; those of the great geniuses is wine. Everybody drinks water.

Either give me more wine or leave me alone.

They asked me why I don’t quit drinking, I told ’em I’m not a quitter.